Sunday, December 12, 2010

Having full-size, feathered, functional wings would be so awesome in more ways than one

Um. That's pretty much the entirety of my thought for the post.

See, there's the option of, I dunno, flight, that comes along with having these massive extra limbs. But I can definitely think of several extra uses...

Ability to eat
Not just like, your standard cheeseburger either. Most birds consume up to half their own weight in food just to stay active. Everyday. You could eat like a horse and never get fat because your metabolism would be higher than Russel Brand on a Jeffry. I could definitely enjoy that.

Save money on petrol
I mean, sure, you have to buy all the extra food, but in reality, you are doing your bit for the environment, right? All the little trips where you're just taking you and your handbag/wallet. Carbon footprint only comes in to counting when you need heat or have to take things places that you can't carry while flying. Seriously, if I could figure out how to manage wings and a surfboard, I'd be set.

Thrill seeker
Because the only other way you'll get to ride a roller coaster every single day of your life is if you are a carnie. (FTR, Carnie, or Homo Carnivalis, refers to the nomadic race of humans who run the various pieces of a festival/carnival)

Costume Party
Angel, Mutant, Bird, Birdkid, Nightmare - you name it, if it involves feathers there entails the best costumes ever. Because it's not made out of cardboard. The only issue I can see with this is if someone at the party gets really drunk and insists that they want to try them on...

Portable Blanket
Feathers have for a long time been one of the most useful ways of insulating humans against the cold. Feather doonas are the bomb diggety. Featherdown jackets can beat Antarctica-cold. And the blanket is situated somewhere it can wrap around the rest of yourself and not come off.

Seriously, I'd like to see the faces of those who'd try to push anyone when all they've gotta do is give an evil grin and snap out the wings of fury, looking ready and able to dish out 'angel of death' action. Even just unfolding them slowly and tilting the head just a bit....

Doing things other flying objects can't
Sure, fighter planes are awesome. There are few things that are more awesome than the brown note of an F1-11 flying low overhead. But they can't turn on the spot. Choppers are fast. They are maneuverable. They even make good anti-zombie weapons. But midair stalls only work in the movies.
To be blunt, a flying person has better agility, smaller landing/takeoff space and is harder to track. They are too small to have a missile lock-on function properly and can land and take off quickly. On a variety of different surfaces. Try launching your Hercules from a Norfolk Pine and see what happens.

There you have it. Seven reasons aside from flying why full-size, feathered, functional wings would be awesome.
If you see any around, let me know. 


  1. I can see how they would be the greatest thing since converse shoes

  2. Maybe that's why I almost always draw my birdkids with converses.


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